Spiritual Growth
Becoming a Forgiven Forgiver
We need great grace to forgive others for hurting us, and selfless, authentic humility to acknowledge our wrongs, seeking forgiveness from those we’ve hurt. I often struggle to do these well.
These words are adapted from Forgive and Forget, a book by Lewis Smedes:
When we forgive, we reverse the flow of pain that began in the past when someone hurt us, a flow that filters into our present to wound our memory and poison our future. We help heal ourselves, with God ultimately being the one who heals us.
Forgiveness is utterly unpredictable. No one could suspect, in the natural cause and effect of things, that anyone should ever forgive.
When we forgive, we perform a miracle that hardly anyone notices. We do it alone, asking God to help us and knowing other people can’t help us. But when we finally do it, we contribute to a miracle in the private place of our inner selves. We do it silently; no one can make a digital recording of our forgiving. We do it invisibly. And we do it freely; no one can ever trick us into genuinely forgiving someone.
When we forgive, we heal the hurt we never deserved. We commit an outrage against the strict morality that will not rest with anything short of an even score. When we forgive another person we come as close as any human being can to the divine act of creation. For we create a new beginning out of past pain that never had a right to exist in the first place. We create healing for the future by changing a past that had no possibility in it for anything but sickness and death. When we forgive we ride the crest of agape love’s cosmic wave. We walk in stride with God, the Great Forgiver who has provided a way for us to be forgiven and reconciled to himself through Christ.
Consider prayerfully these Scriptures on confession and forgiveness: Proverbs 28:13; Matthew 6:14-15; Matthew 18:21-22; Mark 11:25; Luke 6:37; Luke 17:3-4; Ephesians 4:31-32; Colossians 3:13; and James 5:16. As God has forgiven us much, so we must forgive others much, even if they never ask us to forgive them.
How do we ask someone to forgive us when we realize we’ve done them wrong? A helpful practice is explained in Ken Sande’s book, The PeaceMaker, about using biblical principles to resolve personal conflict. When we want to make peace, we can ask for God’s enablement to be filled with grace by humbly admitting our wrongs. A great way to do this is using the seven A’s of confession:
1) Address everyone involved. All of our sins offend God and should therefore be confessed to him. A heart sin takes place only in our thoughts and does not directly affect others. Therefore, it needs to be confessed only to God.
A social sin involves words or actions affecting others. Social sins should be confessed to God and to the individual or group of people hurt by our action. Our confession should reach as far as our offense.
2) Avoid the words if, but, and maybe. The best way to ruin a confession is to use words that shift the blame to others or that appear to minimize or excuse our guilt:
- “I’m sorry if I’ve done something to upset you.”
- “I shouldn’t have lost my temper, but I was tired.”
- “Maybe I could have tried harder.”
3) Admit specifically. The more specific and detailed we are in making a confession, the more likely we are to receive a positive, redemptive response. Specific admissions help convince others that we are honestly facing up to what we have done, making it easier for them to forgive us.
4) Acknowledge the hurt. It’s very helpful when we acknowledge and express sorrow for how our words or actions or failures have hurt or affected the other person. For example, “I can only imagine how you feel. I was falsely accused by an employer, too, and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I’m so sorry I have put you through the same thing.”
5) Accept the consequences. Explicitly accepting the consequences of our actions is an excellent way to demonstrate genuine repentance. An example is the prodigal son: “I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men” (Luke 15:9). Another illustration: “Beginning this evening, I will call every person I talked to and admit that my statements were not true.”
6) Alter your behavior. By explaining to the person we’ve offended how we plan to change our behavior in the future, we provide for them a sign of sincere repentance. It is often helpful to ask the person we’ve wronged how we can change, taking their suggestions seriously. “With God’s help, I plan to . . .”
7) Ask for forgiveness. “I want to ask for your forgiveness. Will you please forgive me?” This signals we have done all we can by way of confession and that the responsibility for the next move has shifted to the other person. Realize there may be situations in which people need time to forgive us.
The seven A’s are meant to be a tool to help, not a ritualized list to hinder. Our main objective is to glorify God while loving and serving other people well. This is not about racing through all seven A’s to get a burden off our shoulders. Rather it is about following God’s lead as we seek true forgiveness leading to the unleashing of God’s redemption and healing.
To grow as a leader, I commend the above Scriptures as well as the writing of Lewis Smedes and Ken Sande. Both wrote not just from their own experiences, but also from many years of study of God’s Word. May we become strong in the grace needed to forgive others, and selfless in humbly acknowledging our wrongs as we seek forgiveness from God and those we’ve hurt!
Growing as a forgiven forgiver,
Bob Fetherlin
OMS Global President